Oct. 21st, 2013

krystale: (Default)
I identify in part as a therapeutic pain top.

You've heard me say it and you've gone along with it like you know what I'm saying. I chose the words to be self explanatory, so maybe you do. Never the less, I'm going to extrapolate, just in case and because I like to.

There is such a thing as a "service top."
I could be a "service top" to a very good dominant and I believe it would be an amazing way to learn some topping skills. A service top tops as a service, although I'm willing to bet there's a lot of "therapeutic pain tops" within that. I'm explaining the distinction between the two titles for me, they may feel differently or they may just not have the language to make it distinct or maybe they just don't care. I generally don't care, however I like to try to be clear on what I mean when I say things. (I still don't feel clear.)

As a therapeutic pain top, I give pain to people who find it therapeutic. I neither dislike, nor like, giving the pain. I do it because I enjoy masteressing skills and because I find pain very therapeutic under the VERY difficult to find correct circumstances. If they were more commonly available safely, I would not BE a therapeutic pain top, although I might have one or three. I remain myself in that I am not a switch, I am both Dominant and submissive. I do NOT switch, I am both at all times, and those expecting a submissive service top are going to be very disappointed.

My same laws apply.
I will be submissive to those who make better choices than I do or to those choices inherent to their freedom. I will be submissive to anyone's limits regarding their own body...
however, I will be submissive to limits that their body has even if they do not want me to. I will be Dominant in staying true to that submission. I do NOT "switch." I will not pain top when people have been drinking. I will not hit parts that I feel should not be hit. I will not hit someone who seems like their headspace is not OK for it. I will not ever hit to punish someone. (Actually, if you're going to bottom for me, chances are I can just 'punish' you by NOT hitting you.)

To the outside, this attitude seems like Dominance.
I don't really care.
I'm submissive also, and it's to things that need submission to.

You're all welcome to use "switch" and "service top."

I don't, that's all. And this has been a bit about why.

If you need a therapeutic pain top and you're in my area, let me know.
I'm experienced with floggers, canes and paddles in addition to bare handed spanking.

Cereal

Oct. 21st, 2013 08:23 pm
krystale: (Default)
Cereal

Captain Crunch tastes like victory to me, even some of the better generics now and then. Puffy squares were gold and when Crunch Berries were included, they were jewels.

My beginning wasn't very nice, relative here are months of starvation and IV nutrition; even at one point being in with the preemies despite being born at a healthy weight.
Time continues a little bit and things change a bit, but hunger drove tiny toddler me to hunt her own food.
I can remember the spinning cereal cupboard in the corner of the kitchen counter, the wood panels, beige linoleum flooring. I can remember the texture of the floor although I can't imagine how I can remember so far back.

Somehow, after a bit of trial and error, I managed to get a box of Captain Crunch out of the cupboard. I was small enough that the box seemed to be as big as me. I could hug it and it took all my arms to do so. The bottom seemed to fill my whole lap, thanks to the bulk of a diaper and baby short thighs. When a half dozen pieces of cereal fill your hand, a box seems like starvation salvation.

The cereal was sweet, but the victory was sweeter; finding my own food made me feel safer. It's a feeling I remember, but to this day, seldom achieve. My feet stuck out and I wiggled my toes. I felt like I was smiling, but even if I'd picked the right expression, something also seldom achieved to this day, I doubt anyone could have been able to tell around the crunching.

We don't have language that describes feeling well, so we've had to learn metaphor. That cereal, leaning against those cabinit doors with me, felt for me inside just the way it did later in life to sit back and look at something I'd decorated if there was nothing to fix.

Mission accomplished.
Deep breath.
Big smile.
It's like hugging yourself.

Now I eat them with milk, because my friend Kathy is right, they hurt the roof of your mouth if you eat too much. With my tendency to over eat, it's not a bad thing.

But I still can't NOT smile, even if I try, when I eat them. They stay pretty crunchy even after a while and I can bonk them back under the surface of the milk and take my time and giggle about it all.

They say hope floats.
My Captain Crunch floats.
Ergo...

Sanctuary

Oct. 21st, 2013 08:28 pm
krystale: (Default)
Sanctuary

The temple door rattled less with the third pound than the first two, the fourth and fifth were more ordinary knocks and she felt the sixth fall before it struck the door.

The warrior's head was dangerously close to hanging low when she opened the door.
"Sanctuary," he demanded, "please?" he asked.
She opened the door wide and made way for him.
He didn't move, so she gestured into the church and said reverently, "come inside, where it is warm."
He still didn't move, and when she looked back at him, he caught her eyes and stared into her, the connection open wide.
"Aah," she said and smiled.

Two hours later she lay limp and alone in the church, bruises blooming slowly amid welts. After a time, she moaned and shuddered, her body knew it had bled inside her darkness before she did. She managed, with grumbles and groans, to change positions. For a moment every blow and thrust announced itself again and she couldn't help but giggle as the overwhelming surge of the related brain chemistry washed through her. She managed to grab an edge of the rug and tug it with her in a roll, covering herself crudely.

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