Aug. 9th, 2016

krystale: (Default)
Aulii, my primary partner, has a tendency to rub my skin when he touches me. Regardless of if it's his thumb on the back of my hand or his palm on my back or arm, there's rubbing. Often absent minded rubbing and I can tell his mind isn't on the contact. I actually struggle not to have negative issues with this. Aulii is aware and tries to help. I don't blame him; I flap sometimes. There's proven positive body and brain chemistry in small repetitive movements such as shaking, flapping or other types of so called stimming.

I was severely neglected and sexually abused in early infancy. As a result, physical contact is for me a heightened experience. For me, there is no idle minded contact. I've learned to do it a little bit for Aulii, because being touched in that way is as comforting to him as touching that way, but it takes effort, ironically.

I and my serotonin levels are lucky that Aulii and I are in physical contact often enough that I couldn't possibly remember even a small percentage. Usually I'm well aware when of most instances the times I've come in physical contact with another person.

A few days ago hands overlapped a bit when a playdough loving associate and I fake battled over the playdough "slug" I'd made who's head he chopped off and into bits. We seemed amused.

I hugged my best friend and also another friend who is also my tattoo artist this weekend. They're three Mississippi huggers. If I'm in crisis, they'll let me have a few more Mississippis. They're my peeps.

There's some hand contact during the half dozen manicures I've done in the past month or two.

I ran three fingers across the back of a newer friend as I walked past closely behind in a crowd.

The dental stuff.

I hugged several old friends at an event a few weeks back.

Few weeks back there was an afternoon with my other partner.

It's been quite a while since my current therapist shook my hand.
My prior therapist and I were huggers.

There is very little physical contact in my world other than Aulii.
I've learned to hover instead of touch most people. Many people have. I might say too many.

When I hand people things, I'm aware if we come in contact.
Usually I try not to touch. Usually.

Touch sets off a data stream in my head. It's similar to hearing or smelling or tasting. I think everyone has this. Touch is one of our five senses.

I've done a great deal of work with energy and touch such as pressure points, humans and animals.
One of the friends I hugged at the event a few weeks ago has worked with me, I have attended his classes, he has attended at least one of mine, I have been his assistant in his classes. He is far more skilled than I, but he did find the strength of my energy remarkable.

I imagine this touch based communication is a skill used a lot by infants and parents of infants. I know from my own work it's used in animal husbandry.

I'm going to guess here and say most people have this latent because they were held and had this communication so it's so called "second nature" and therefore they are less consciously aware of it.

It crosses into body language, but I am muddy with the visual aspects of body language. I am faceblind.

I know on a biological level, there is brain and body chemistry associated with touch. There is chemistry, in body and external. Physics in the electrical currents and conductivity in our body and our brain.

Touch is our primary means of influencing the world around us.

To me touch is to my brain what standing in a stream is to my legs. Try to describe all that you perceive and the experience stretches, unravels, expands deeper than it's initial parameters.
Touching is a stream. Touching another living creature is to me like standing in a river. Pulse and rhythm, undercurrents, things that bubble up, sometimes floating, sometimes sinking.

I have been called a healer by some people. My partners claim there is a higher than normal intensity in my touch and an uncanny knowing at times, one prior partner's touch felt like that to me. Other folks have sometimes claimed my touch burns like fire. I think people are over dramatic. Never the less, those are actual things people say.

So, generally I let other people initiate touch.
I feel like a criminal for running three fingers across the back of that friend, I really could have slunk by without if I'd been careful. I even require people actually ask me to do massage or pressure point or related work I do.

But sometimes there are people I want to touch more, sometimes my palms get jealous of my fingertips.
Sometimes it's people who later claim I'm a healer. A few times it has been people who turned out to be partners.
I can't assume I know, so I try to stay cautious. Hover, out of touch.
Sometimes there are people I want to touch more and don't know how to ask. I know I like to be asked first, generally or at least initially.
I know how to communicate through touch.
Words don't touch much.
Sometimes I wonder, like when I press a few millimeters of fingertip against a palm when I pass a rhinestone to an art consultant, can they read it from me?
Do they like what they read?
Can we communicate more?
Too often the answer is no.
Sometimes, still too often, the answer is good bye.
So, I don't ask.

I have many friends I've never hugged or touched.

I wouldn't mind hugging my therapist, but she has boundaries.
There are many people I'd touch more if it suited them, but they have boundaries.
I'm poly and carefully, but most people are completely closed to this paradigm, broaching it even in the kink community is awkward, never mind elsewhere.

I wonder why people touch each other so little. It seems like most people want more caring physical contact, yet typing that prior sentence seemed "inappropriate" and "NSFW" as they say.

Are people afraid or ashamed of what they'll learn and reveal?
Are they afraid they'll get pulled in and loose control, the jealousy traveling up the arm and beyond, too irresistible?
Or, like me, is the fear of rejection or lack of reciprocation so strong that we'd all rather do without just to hold on to the potential?
I'm not worried I'll make them feel weird. But if I like them in my life before touch, and I wouldn't want to touch them if I didn't, I am scared that they won't like it and thus not like me.

There is no idle touch for me.
There are rivers I'd like to dive into.
OK, well, metaphorically speaking I'm more of a wader. But it does turn out that in some rivers there's a point in wading that instead of passing through, I'm wanting to plunge in, embrace the current, feel all that's there.


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